


The Magic Penis Saga: the rest of the story

by NellieOleson



Series: Magic Penis [2]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-26
Updated: 2013-06-26
Packaged: 2017-12-16 05:15:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/858211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NellieOleson/pseuds/NellieOleson





	The Magic Penis Saga: the rest of the story

"I'm going to kill you."

Carter was still in the infirmary, and although Jack didn't see anything handy that she could use as a weapon, he hid behind Daniel just to be safe. He’d tried his best to keep Daniel from telling Carter about his theory but Daniel insisted on honesty. At first Jack thought it was because Daniel was just too much of a fucking Boy Scout to lie about it. But now, seeing the look in Carter’s eyes, he decided that Daniel was just trying to find out exactly how Carter was going to kill him. There was probably a pool. "See? I told you she was going to kill me."

Daniel moved closer to Carter's bed. Jack didn’t. "There was no way he could have known, Sam," Daniel told her. Jack latched onto that because of course there was no fucking way he could have known his sparkly sperm were going to go all commando and stage an attack on Carter’s ovaries.

"Because Daniel never mentioned it," said Jack. Daniel turned around to give Jack his best what-the-fuck-is wrong-with-you glare. Jack ignored him because there was no way he was passing up the opportunity to put the blame for this on someone else. Daniel made a pretty good someone else and it was kind of his fault for not warning him. Sort of.

Carter got up and started pacing back and forth at the foot of the bed. Jack inched back toward the doorway. She paused long enough to yell at Jack. "Couldn't you have- Flushed out the sparkly ones?"

He wanted to laugh because it wasn't like he hadn't tried. A lot. Carter didn’t need to know all that. "That's disturbing, Carter."

She just stared at him with wide eyes and flushed cheeks. Jack thought it was a good look on her. He was just smart enough to keep that to himself. "And this isn't?" She yelled, pointing in the general direction of her uterus.

And, yeah. The whole thing was kind of disturbing. "Well. Okay. I guess there's that." He watched Carter pace some more and then decided to try and cheer her up. “Come on, Carter. Is it really that bad? I bet they’ll be cute.” She still didn’t look very cheery. “And tall.” That didn’t help either. Carter wasn’t interested in stowaway babies no matter how cute they might be.

She sat back on the bed and closed her eyes. "Have you told Hammond?"

"Yes,” Jack shifted uncomfortably knowing Carter would have to have ‘the talk’ with Hammond eventually. “I think he wanted to kill me too."

There was an uncomfortable silence and Daniel decided to fill it with something unhelpful. "Janet wants to kill you too," he said. "In case you were wondering."

 

******

 

Carter stayed mad about the whole baby-having thing for a long time. Jack did his best to share his growing excitement about the situation, but he wasn’t making much progress. They were sitting in his living room on a quiet Saturday afternoon awkwardly discussing their impending parenthood when Jack finally made some headway.

"Do I get to name one?" He asked.

"No."

"Not even a middle name?"

"No."

"But they're half mine."

"I don't care."

"But-"

Carter leaned back and started rubbing her temples. "You can name all the babies that you give birth to."

"That's-" She was looking at him sharply, waiting for him to say the wrong thing. "Fair." Jack stood up and offered her a hand up. He tried to not look surprised when she actually took it. "So,” he asked when she was on her feet. “Are you hungry?"

She smiled at him and Jack almost kissed her because it had been a really long time since she’d looked at him like that. "I'm always hungry," she said.

"Come on, I'll take you and the kids someplace nice."

"Funny."

"I hope they have my sense of humor."

Carter sat back down, slightly horrified if he was reading her expression correctly. She was still holding his hand. "Oh my god,” she said. “I never considered that."

Carter was a genius but sometimes, she wasn’t very bright. "Did you think you were making clones, Carter."

She looked at him for a long time, then looked down at her knees and Jack knew that’s exactly what she’d been thinking. "Well, yeah,” she said. “I guess I did. Sort of.” She was still talking to her knees and Jack silently cursed the Ancients for making Carter feel this uncomfortable. She squeezed his hand and looked him in the eyes. “You know. It's just weird."

Without the sex. She didn’t say that but Jack got the message anyway. At least that was something he could fix.

"Yeah. Would it make you feel better if we-"

"No." There was no hesitation in her answer but now her hand was resting lightly on his thigh and Jack was pretty sure that was a good sign. Also, she was still smiling. Jack wished they had made the babies the old-fashioned way.

"Now, now, Carter. Don't be so hasty."

 

*******

 

In the end, the sex was all Carter’s idea.

When she finally warmed up to the idea, Jack had tried to do the right thing. Carter might still want a career someday.

He’d talked to Hammond, written a letter resigning his commission. Hell, he’d even called the President and that had been a really fucking awkward conversation.

“Now, Jack,” he’d said. “Don’t do anything you’ll regret. Take some time, make sure you really want to do this.” Jack hung up the phone, trying to remember if the President had ever actually met Carter. Because nobody who had would be telling him to make sure he really wanted her.

Hammond had made a lot more sense. “Son, she’s already pregnant with your children. Do you really think anyone cares at this point?”

He might have said some more stuff but Jack hadn’t stuck around to hear it. Carter had been getting a little insistent lately and he only had so much self-control.

******

He was barely through the door when she threw herself at him. She bounced back a little before he wrapped his arms around her waist. Twins took up a lot of room and her stomach was already getting in the way.

Not that he cared.

He’d spent a lot of time thinking about how to work around it and making stick-figure diagrams to work out the details.

 

*****

The sex was fun but short-lived.

“Sorry,” he said even though he really wasn’t. They’d had a lot of fun before the actual sex part and Jack was secretly pretty proud of himself.

She was lying on her back with her eyes closed and what he wanted to believe was a satisfied smile on her face. Not sleeping but maybe not quite awake either. “Do you ever wonder what it would have been like?”

Carter still hadn’t figured out that other people had no idea what was going on in her head and she had a habit of starting conversations that made no sense. “Huh?”

“If we’d had sex with the magic penis,” she said.

Now she was curious? Because he would have been willing to let her find out when he still had the magic penis. “No,” he lied.

“Really?” She tried to roll over to look at him but didn’t quite make it. That belly was a logistical nightmare. “How can you not wonder about that?” she asked.

And hey, wait. Was she trying to tell him something. “Is there something wrong with my un-magicked penis, Carter?” She’d seemed pretty happy with it but you never knew. This kind of communication was important. Jack had learned that the hard way.

“No,” she told the ceiling. “Still,” turned her head toward him. “I bet it would have been cool.”

Of course it would have been cool. It would have been the highlight of his fucking existence. “I can go to that planet and touch the thing again.”

He was kidding, mostly, but Carter looked like she was really thinking about it. “Probably not a good idea,” she said. “Daniel would kill you.”

“Ya think?”

“All the time.” He could hear the smile in her voice. Carter didn’t make jokes often because she wasn’t very good at it.

He reached over and rolled her so she was facing him. Her cheeks were still flushed and maybe they needed to try the sex part again. “Not all the time, I hope,” he said right before he leaned in to kiss her. 

******

Later, when she really was asleep, Jack stayed awake sifting through the plans forming in his head. Surely there was some way to make his penis special again. He tossed out the idea of glow in the dark paint, it would probably give him a rash.

The idea came suddenly and it was perfect. A cape. That’s what he needed. A little penis cape. A red one. Magic penis was gone but SuperPenis was still a possibility.


End file.
